Good Intentions, Flawed Results
I have a confession. I. am. Wonder. Woman. It’s true.
It shouldn’t be that hard to believe. I mean besides my clearly Amazonian tendencies, my ability to get people to tell me the truth and my bullet deflecting wrist cuffs (okay I don’t really have that last one), it’s obvious isn’t it? I mean I have changed over the years. My crime fighting uniform fits a little differently –
and some areas are not in “crime fighting” shape as they once were –
But the biggest problem isn’t the size of my ass or my diminishing waistline. Once I was called a Wonder now I just spend all of my time wondering. You know, like “I wonder why I walked into this room?” because I swear to all that is holy I walked in here with a purpose not more than 10 seconds ago. Forget not being able to find that damn invisible plane (I mean seriously how the hell does one find an INVISIBLE plane), I can’t find my mind or apparently my car keys. I think they might be in the same place. I wonder where that is?
I wonder where I put that envelope that I needed to mail and how I forgot “fill in the blank relative’s name” birthday when it was on the calendar that I forgot to turn to the next month. I wonder what month it is or day or day of the week. It’s Friday right? In my mind it’s always Friday. I wonder where that piece of paper I wrote something down on (but I can’t remember what) but it was “really important and I probably needed to do it yesterday” is currently located. I wonder why they don’t make GPS for everything you own in life.
Every time I go to Target I wonder where I parked my car. I swear that someone moves it when I go into the store. Someone call Ashton Kutcher and tell him to come out and stop punking me. I wonder what I came into the store to buy and I wonder where my list of items I was going to buy at said store is currently located. I wonder why, when I come home from the store, the most important thing I needed to buy is the one thing I forgot. I wonder how much gas money I am spending because 3 trips to the store is the necessary amount to get everything on the list.
I wonder who is screwing with my scale. I can’t possibly weigh that number! I can still (grunt) fit (grunt, grunt) into the dress I wore in high school (riiiip). I wonder who shrunk my dress?! I wonder where those pants are that I swear I just wore and hung up in the closet. I wonder why I found them under the bed even though I know I didn’t put them there. Who is moving my clothes? Someone here is trying to make me think I am LOSING MY MIND!
I often wonder who I just talked to and what their name is. Joe, right? Oh, sorry I know that you just told me that your name was Rajesh two minutes ago. I mean there’s a J in Rajesh so easy to mix it up, right? On occasion I wonder what my name is. Hahahaha of course I know my name kind stranger (because I don’t remember yours), please don’t call the looney bin. As I’m yelling – I AM NOT CRAZY – and laughing, I am wondering if the kind stranger is backing away to report me to the authorities.
I am still wondering where my keys are located. I could probably find the stupid invisible plane if only I could find my keys (maybe I left it at Target?). DAMMIT where are my friggin’ keys? Wait, now where is my phone? I had it a minute ago. Somebody call my phone, I can’t find it! Crap, it’s on vibrate. I wonder if I left it in the laundry room – nope. Here, let me put this down…oh there it is IN MY HAND! I have a text message, but I need my reading glasses…and I wonder where the hell they are. On top of my head? Well of course they are. Sigh.
So if you see me wandering around looking bewildered and/or lost, just remember that I am Wonder Woman. You have been warned.
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