Good Intentions, Flawed Results
I have a confession. I. am. Wonder. Woman. It’s true.
It shouldn’t be that hard to believe. I mean besides my clearly Amazonian tendencies, my ability to get people to tell me the truth and my bullet deflecting wrist cuffs (okay I don’t really have that last one), it’s obvious isn’t it? I mean I have changed over the years. My crime fighting uniform fits a little differently –
and some areas are not in “crime fighting” shape as they once were –
But the biggest problem isn’t the size of my ass or my diminishing waistline. Once I was called a Wonder now I just spend all of my time wondering. You know, like “I wonder why I walked into this room?” because I swear to all that is holy I walked in here with a purpose not more than 10 seconds ago. Forget not being able to find that damn invisible plane (I mean seriously how the hell does one find an INVISIBLE plane), I can’t find my mind or apparently my car keys. I think they might be in the same place. I wonder where that is?
I wonder where I put that envelope that I needed to mail and how I forgot “fill in the blank relative’s name” birthday when it was on the calendar that I forgot to turn to the next month. I wonder what month it is or day or day of the week. It’s Friday right? In my mind it’s always Friday. I wonder where that piece of paper I wrote something down on (but I can’t remember what) but it was “really important and I probably needed to do it yesterday” is currently located. I wonder why they don’t make GPS for everything you own in life.
Every time I go to Target I wonder where I parked my car. I swear that someone moves it when I go into the store. Someone call Ashton Kutcher and tell him to come out and stop punking me. I wonder what I came into the store to buy and I wonder where my list of items I was going to buy at said store is currently located. I wonder why, when I come home from the store, the most important thing I needed to buy is the one thing I forgot. I wonder how much gas money I am spending because 3 trips to the store is the necessary amount to get everything on the list.
I wonder who is screwing with my scale. I can’t possibly weigh that number! I can still (grunt) fit (grunt, grunt) into the dress I wore in high school (riiiip). I wonder who shrunk my dress?! I wonder where those pants are that I swear I just wore and hung up in the closet. I wonder why I found them under the bed even though I know I didn’t put them there. Who is moving my clothes? Someone here is trying to make me think I am LOSING MY MIND!
I often wonder who I just talked to and what their name is. Joe, right? Oh, sorry I know that you just told me that your name was Rajesh two minutes ago. I mean there’s a J in Rajesh so easy to mix it up, right? On occasion I wonder what my name is. Hahahaha of course I know my name kind stranger (because I don’t remember yours), please don’t call the looney bin. As I’m yelling – I AM NOT CRAZY – and laughing, I am wondering if the kind stranger is backing away to report me to the authorities.
I am still wondering where my keys are located. I could probably find the stupid invisible plane if only I could find my keys (maybe I left it at Target?). DAMMIT where are my friggin’ keys? Wait, now where is my phone? I had it a minute ago. Somebody call my phone, I can’t find it! Crap, it’s on vibrate. I wonder if I left it in the laundry room – nope. Here, let me put this down…oh there it is IN MY HAND! I have a text message, but I need my reading glasses…and I wonder where the hell they are. On top of my head? Well of course they are. Sigh.
So if you see me wandering around looking bewildered and/or lost, just remember that I am Wonder Woman. You have been warned.
stoners have the best stories
... not so lucky for the rabbit!
Helping You Believe in Yourself
What came first, the music or the misery?- Nick Hornby
unraveling one chapter at a time
...everything you need to know about Alyssa Royse, and a lot of stuff you don't...
Good humor. Good heart. Good stories.
Just a blog about the insanity of motherhood (and life in general) - the good, the bad and the awkward.
Just another WordPress.com site
Good Intentions, Flawed Results
Essays on memoir, music, and more from Beatrice M. Hogg
Insanity, that's the only thing that can describe it.
seeking solutions for the conflicted cook...
4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site
the world according to me
A Cautionary Tale from a Midwestern Mother of Mayhem
Some random ramblings...
Life. Liberty. Happiness.
the tales and other stuff hiding under my kitchen table
based on the syndicated humor column by Tracy Beckerman
Encouraging Words for the Menopause and Midlife Roller Coaster
Massive Messups, Fucked Up Situations And Epic Fails
Follow the Funny with Award-Winning Comedy Writer Barb Best