The Life of A Batty Broad

Good Intentions, Flawed Results

If You are Leaving the House, Please Take Your Brain With You

If you follow this blog, you are fully aware of the missing navigation gene that I have passed on to my children.  Both of my daughters have inherited my big boobs, terrible eyesight and a penchant for getting lost.  It’s a great combo.  I’m sure that they will be eternally grateful for all that I have bestowed upon them.

I have shared some of my stories of directional ineptitude regarding my youngest daughter (DD – dancing daughter) but I have yet to explain why the Batty Broad can handle such challenging and unfathomable situations such as these.  This is due to having 2 years of preparation in teenager code deciphering and logistical lostness analysis.  Yes there should probably be a college course taught on this subject.  Any volunteers?  The additional 2 years of preparation was due to having an older daughter (AD artist daughter) who sets the bar to a level few could ever imagine reaching when it comes to getting lost.

Now AD is beautiful, smart and uber-talented (much like DD) but her artist abilities take up a lot of the space in her brain that is normally allotted for things like planning, preparation, paying attention, logic and general common sense.  I have on many occasions stopped her before she leaves the house to remind her that if she is leaving the house and heading out into the world that it would be a good idea if she took her brain with her.  She provides me award-winning eye-rolling, deep sighing and a look of “whatever” in response.  Internally I am doing the same thing right back at her but I’m an adult (or so they keep trying to tell me) and I just keep all of my non-adultish behavior on the “inside”.

The only thing that prevents the Batty Broad from going completely postal when AD calls with her latest “issue”, is that AD is genuinely completely shocked to find herself in said circumstance.  Much like Alice in Wonderland, everything just seems curiouser and curiouser to her.  AD is like the Desert Storm of common sense.  There is a lot of shock and awe when she finds herself once again in an unexpected situation.

These episodes usually begin with what seems like a simple process but much like Bugs Bunny, she ends up missing that left turn at Albuquerque.  The Batty Broad is often left wondering, where did it all go wrong after rescuing AD from another “situation”.  One such event occurred when AD was going to visit the Batty Broad’s Mom in NYC.

Here is how it all began:

Objective: AD takes a bus from the ONLY bus depot in the small college town in the middle of Pennsylvania to NYC.
Tasks:  Go to bus station, buy ticket, get on bus, get off of bus in NYC

Sounds fairly simple, right?  But you have not had the AD experience where even the simplest  of instructions seem to take on a life of their own and somehow transform into something else entirely.  It’s pretty impressive.

It’s 20 minutes before the bus is scheduled to leave according to the bus timetable.  So the Batty Broad (knowing how things can go with AD) gives her a call.

Me:  Hey are you at the bus station
AD:  No, I have plenty of time
Me:   If the bus is supposed to leave in 20 minutes, I wouldn’t call that “plenty” of time
AD:  sigh – I KNOW MOM.  Everything will be fine, I’m leaving soon.
Me (in head):  First of all if you KNOW then why do I ALWAYS have to tell you.  Your problem is that you don’t know what you don’t know.  What you actually KNOW could probably take about 15 minutes to explain.
Me:  I don’t know what you mean by “soon” but you need to get there, buy a ticket and get on the bus.  Call me when you are on the bus
AD:  Ok
– I swear that I actually HEARD her eyes rolling –

15 minutes later I call back

Me:  Are you at the bus station?  Did you get your ticket?
AD:  Dude, chill.  I’m here I have my ticket and I’m getting on the bus now.
Me:  Just for the record my name is NOT Dude
AD:  I KNOW MOM (anyone else sensing a theme here)
Me:  Okay call me when you get there

Approximately 2 1/2 hours later the phone rings

Me:  Are you in NY?
Me (in head):  She can’t possibly be in NY, she hasn’t been on the bus long enough
AD:  I’m not sure
Me (in head): OH MY GOD!  What in the hell do you mean that you are not sure?
Me:  AD, what do you mean that you are not sure.  Where else would you be?
AD:  I think I might be in Philadelphia
– Note:  it is now 9:30 pm and we live about 1 1/2 hours from Philadelphia –
Me:  Okay, wait a minute how are you in Philadelphia and can’t you find out where you are?
AD:  How do I find out?
Me:  Seriously?  How about ask someone?
AD:  Hold on…okay, yeah I’m in Philadelphia
Me:  How did you end up in Philadelphia?
AD:  Mom, I don’t know.  And my phone is dying and I don’t know what to do.
– Note:  The other twist to AD’s dilemma’s is that whatever is happening, no matter what the emergency, her phone is always dying.  I bought her 5 phone chargers for Christmas this  year.
Me (in head):  Okay so suddenly now you DON’T KNOW?  Earlier today it was all about how you “KNOW” MOM
Me:  Well if you are in Philadelphia then someone is going to have to come and get you I guess
AD:  I have friends here, I can ask one of them to get me
Me:  Okay but I still don’t understand how this happened
AD:  I don’t know I got on the bus and I ended up in Philadelphia
Me:  Did you get on the bus going to NY?
AD:  Well there was a bus there when I bought the ticket so I just got on it
Me:  Okay, wait…you just got on a bus because it happened to be sitting there?  You didn’t ask where it was going or if you were on the right bus?  Didn’t they check your ticket?
Me (in head):  It’s an absolute miracle that this child was never kidnapped!
– She did however ride the school bus to every bus stop on her way home from her first day of school and “forgot” to get off.  That should have been an omen.
AD:  No they didn’t check my ticket and I just thought that it was going to NY because it was the only bus there
Me:  Did you ever think that maybe it was the only bus there AT THE MOMENT?
AD:  Um, not really
Me:  completely stunned into silence
AD:  Mom, my phone is dying so I have to go.  I’ll call you later when I can use someone else’s phone.
Me:  Okay, hopefully you won’t end up in Delaware instead
AD:  Ha, very funny Mom

As the Batty Broad’s husband (TM) sits by and listens to my end of the conversation he has developed that “look” on his face that I know so well.  It’s the “what have you done now” look.  I explain the whole story and now both of us are sitting in stunned silence.  Now I have to call the Batty Broad’s Mom and tell her the story and explain that no, I never did drop AD on her head as a child, I promise.

The rest of the evening is spent wondering how something so simple could have gone so wrong.  I suppose I should be thankful that she actually ended up somewhere safe, even if she didn’t actually know where she was or how she got there.  I was tempted to get in the car and drive to her college just to check because I was pretty sure that I would have found her brain still sitting there on her bed where she left it.  I’m going to have to buy some kind of tether to make sure she doesn’t leave it behind next time.  Or maybe I should just stop answering the phone…


The Batty Broad

One comment on “If You are Leaving the House, Please Take Your Brain With You

  1. analyfe
    March 9, 2011

    That is hilarious! I’m bad with directions (even with my GPS), but luckily have never had anything like that happen before. Thanks for sharing!

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