There are some things that the Batty Broad has successfully achieved in life. The list is fairly short. I’m pretty sure that it could all fit on the inside of a matchbook. The greatest of these achievements has been convincing the kids that the Batty Broad and her husband are omnipotent (pause for time for you to look this up). I am not sure exactly how we managed this but our children actually believe we know everything. Apparently we know how to fix anything, find anything, navigate anywhere and mostly likely have psychic and possibly telekinetic powers.
This results in panicked phone calls that have completely unreasonable requests that require immediate attention (of course). I received one such phone call the other day from the Batty Broad’s youngest daughter (who I refer to as DD – dancing daughter). She had attended her first dance rehearsal with her new company and they were leaving one studio to go to another. She wanted to call me to tell me about how things were going and in the process she ended up getting separated from the people she was supposed to be following. She was now lost in the city and needed me to assist her.
DD: Crap! I think I lost the people I was following
Me: Oh no, well then we should get off the phone so you can figure out where you are going
DD: But I don’t know where I’m going
Me: What do you mean you don’t know where you are going?
DD: I just know that it’s a studio in Lititz
Me: Okay well can you call the studio or someone in the company?
DD: I don’t have anyone’s number and I don’t know the name of the studio
Me: So how am I supposed to help you here?
This is when the years of brainwashing kick in and she starts speaking in a tone that implies that I’m SUPPOSED to be able to help her with ANYTHING! I don’t know how to break the news to her that although I am pretty damn awesome, I have no idea how to help her if she doesn’t know – 1. Where she actually is; 2. Where she is supposed to be going; 3. How to get in touch with anyone who knows 1 or 2.
Me: Okay hold on…grab computer, pull up google maps, find a dance studio that teaches Ballroom (the class she is going to) in Lititz.
Me: Okay I think I found it! Now where are you?
DD: Sounding unimpressed – I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM!
Me: Okay let’s start with something simple – you’re in Lancaster, right?
DD: I guess
Now comes the part where I begin to have two conversations – the one I am having with DD and the one I am having in my head (see if you can follow along)
Me (in head): YOU GUESS? You GUESS? Well if you don’t know where the hell you are, I can’t really give you directions can I? Should I call the Psychic Friends Network? Wait, I don’t think they’re in business anymore…
Me to DD: Okay so you left the studio and you went which direction (as I am deftly holding the phone, googling the other studio she came from and attempting to call the studio I think she is trying to get to)
DD: I’m not sure but I think I’m on something Pike
Me (in head): Oh sure, something Pike is super descriptive. I mean there are only 4 streets that have the word Pike in them in that general area. Also what the hell is a “Pike” anyway?
Me to DD: I tried to call the other studio, no answer. Can you at least look at the street signs and tell me where you think that you are
DD: Okay I see this street and this street (naming off two street signs)
Me to DD: now playing “Where’s Waldo (or in this case DD) with Google maps…okay I think I found it. You’re not that far just keep going the direction you are currently headed and then turn right on Broad Street
DD: Well how far is it?
Me (in head): OMG just keep going until you get to Broad for heaven’s sake! WHY haven’t I had GPS installed in the kids…life would be so much easier. It’s probably illegal. But maybe if I take them down to Mexico…
Me to DD: It looks like about 2 miles
DD: sighing heavily – okay I will call you back if I get lost
Me (in head): Do I hear a tone? Are you mad at ME? Irritated with ME? I am your lifeline. I am your savior here. Tone it done sweet cheeks!
Me to DD: Okay you should be fine
Me (in head): I am AWESOME! I ROCK! I’m WONDER WOMAN!
Five minutes later – the phone rings
DD: I’m still not there
Me: So did you pass Broad Street
DD: I don’t know, I don’t think so. What if this isn’t the place I’m supposed to be going?
Me (in head): You don’t know? Isn’t this how you got lost in the first place? And NO I don’t know if it’s the studio you are supposed to be going to but it’s the only freakin’ studio I can find that teaches Ballroom dancing in Lititz, so I think it’s a good bet that’s it.
Me to DD: Well I don’t know what else to tell you it seems like it’s the right place
And here comes my FAVORITE part….after all the help I have given her and the work I have jumped in and done to make sure that she is getting to where she is (hopefully) supposed to be going, she actually has the NERVE to say to me…
DD: clearly aggravated and sighing heavily – Can I just talk to Dad?
Me (in head): Oh so now I’m incompetent? I’m not the one who is lost, I’m not the one who doesn’t know where I am supposed to be going or how to contact anyone who I’m supposed to meet there. I’M INCOMPETENT?!
Me to DD: silently fuming – hold on, I will get him
So she calls him on the phone and he proceeds to tell her EXACTLY what I just told her but apparently with some air of authority that I clearly do not possess. She gets to the studio and just as she is driving up, someone calls her from the dance company to find out where she is. She thanks her Dad (who has swooped in on my hard work and taken all the credit here) and goes inside.
So to recap – DD: 1; Batty Broad (aka Mom): 0; Batty Broad’s husband (aka Dad) 100. Wait! I did all the work! I found the place, I found the directions, I got her headed in the right direction. I was also the one who wasn’t lost and didn’t have a clue where I was going, how to get there or how to contact anyone. Why am I the one left feeling like an idiot? Oh I forgot to mention that I may be omnipotent but apparently the Batty Broad’s husband is omniscient (okay I will wait again while you look it up, for the love of Pete have a dictionary nearby!)
Well at least she’s there and it’s over. And then it’s hits me. There will be a re-enactment of this scene in another hour because she doesn’t know how to get home! Well at least I will know where she is going this time. Maybe I should just let the Batty Broad’s husband handle this next round while I go online to find out if there really is such a thing as a “wine IV drip” and where I can get one.
And people wonder how I got this batty!
The Batty Broad