In a recent post I commented about my many problems. The primary issue being my over-confidence which often gets me into situations that Lucy Ricardo couldn’t have dreamed up.
On the list of my other problems (yes there is enough for an actual list) is my ability to injure myself without actually trying. It’s a skill really. I mean not many people can accomplish true injuries while not doing ANYTHING. It takes a person of incredible talent or incredibly bad karma (take your pick) to accomplish such a feat.
The other day I experienced one of my most recent injuries while doing absolutely nothing. The Batty Broad’s youngest daughter (DD – dancing daughter), who is a bit batty herself, called me to tell me that her car was stuck in the snow. Apparently she had achieved this by parking somewhere where she shouldn’t have been parking and on top of that she couldn’t tell me “exactly” where she was.
- Refer to Blog Post – I Don’t Know EVERYTHING – Just Don’t Tell the Kids – for further clarification of this phenomena.
Actually, the first phone call came from a friend of hers to tell me that she was stuck and that HE could tell me how to get to where she was because SHE didn’t actually know where she was. Honestly, it’s bad enough to not know where you are going but you don’t even know where you are? I’m fairly certain that one of these days we will have to call in the National Guard to locate DD and rescue her from some unforeseen circumstance.
Being the phenomenal and super-amazing parents that we are, the Batty Broad and husband spring into action. It’s like a scene out of a Superhero comic book – to the Bat Cave! The Batty Broad’s husband being Batman and the Batty Broad being Robin with a few idiosyncrasies. an inferiority complex and holey tights. Much like a military operation we utilize the available technology to locate DD using information from DD’s friend and Google maps. Meanwhile we gather the weapons necessary (pick ax, shovel, rock salt, rope, etc.) to rescue DD, her boyfriend and the car from wherever it’s stuck.
It’s no wonder that she can’t tell us where she is because when we do locate her, she happens to be on a road that isn’t really a road. I mean you can drive on it but the sign that says “Private Road” and the fact that it’s not paved means that you probably shouldn’t. Clearly DD has also inherited the Batty Broad’s overconfidence in her abilities. It’s so icy out that the Batty Broad’s husband has to back down the “road” to make sure we don’t end up with two stuck vehicles (which probably would’ve happened if the Batty Broad was in charge of this mission). When we arrive we see that the car is actually only stuck on one side and the Batty Broad’s husband being of the manly persuasion proceeds to assess the situation and assume command.
Now I have come along to be of “assistance”. But it becomes clear that there isn’t much I can do and the Batty Broad’s husband being concerned about the Batty Broad injuring herself, seems to be avoiding having to include me in this rescue mission. The Batty Broad’s husband manages to dig the car out (which is not easy considering how icy it is) and get the car out of the ditch it’s in like the Superhero he is. He is on the ground, partially under the car, using sharp metal objects and pushing the car on ice and he walks away unscathed. He is the man!
Meanwhile, I am standing nearby and decide to put on my gloves (because obviously he might need my help) but instead manage to hit myself in the eye with the finger of one of the gloves. I happen to wear hard contacts so this knocks the contact into the corner of my eye which happens to be very painful. Now I’m standing outside on ice, in the freezing cold and I can’t really just fish my contact out of my eye. While everyone else is distracted, I am attempting to cover my eye with one hand (to prevent my contact from falling out), while sticking my finger from the other hand into my eye (okay I know, gross but I have to do something) and trying to find my contact lens. With a painful, watery eye which is now made worse by the melting mascara running down my face, I do manage to find it and maneuver it back into position. So during the rescue of DD’s car, I am standing there with a red watery eye and a zebra striped face on the side of the “road”.
At this point I figure that I might want to go get into the truck to get out of the way and also to prevent any further issues where I could lose an eye or cause a forest fire in a snowy forest. Things could just spontaneously combust, you never know. I slowly make my way over to the truck, which is more like ice skating then walking. I need someone to pick me up like a curling stone and slide me over to the car to prevent further damage. Whew! I make it without incident. Smiling and heady with power, I reach for the a handle of the truck door. CRAP! The relief is replaced by horror as my hand slips and I cut my thumb on the edge of the handle. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Fortunately no one has yet noticed the mess I have become because they are too busy ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING. My accomplishments thus far have been to injure both my eye and my thumb while not assisting anyone in fixing the real problem. I am super special.
I sit in the truck, with my bloody thumb, red eye and zebra face and ask myself the philosophical question: If you embarrass yourself and no one is there to witness it and laugh, can you feel real humiliation? By the way, the answer is yes. Yes I have managed to both injure and humiliate myself without anyone actually seeing me do it. I am Charlie Brown running and missing the football but without Lucy pulling it out from under him. LAME! Of course the solitary humiliation won’t last long when the Batty Broad’s husband gets into the truck and inevitably will look at the Batty Broad and say, “what happened to you?!” Yes, that does happen a lot. Sigh.
Let’s recap: Batty Broad’s husband – Superhero; Batty Broad – Super zero; DD – Rescued once AGAIN.
I’m pretty sure that the Batty Broad’s husband sticks around because he wants to see what will happen next or maybe he’s afraid that if we are left to our own devices something truly horrible could happen. He really has become the Ricky Ricardo to the Batty Broad’s Lucy. I should have warned him that the Batty Broad’s mother used to refer to her as “an accident looking for a place to happen”. Note the word “accident” in that ever so apt description of my every day life. It’s not like I do these things on PURPOSE, it’s purely accidental. Humiliating, embarrassing and painful – yes but NOT intentional. So if you happen to be in the same general vicinity as the Batty Broad just remember that you NEVER know what might happen.
You have been warned -
The Batty Broad